During all police investigations it will be necessary
to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which
reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to
waist level on the man lying beside her.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect
hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you
in there and you can travel to any other part of the building
you want without difficulty.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer,
it will not be necessary to speak the language.
A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen
at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man
invulnerable to bullets.

If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that
could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for
goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large
red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm
and wisecracks are your best weapons.

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing
them than 20 men firing at 1 man.

Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated
more closely.

If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German
bullets are unable to penetrate water.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication
systems of any invading alien civilization.

Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from
international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them
to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the
helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of
their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.

All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they
are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal
damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds
- unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie.

When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person
sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
lasting damage to an eight year old child.

Having a job of any kind will make father's forget their son's eighth

Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days
before their retirement.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in
Nuclear Fission at age 22.

The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will
fall in love.

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